Script - shea gallagher

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Script - shea gallagher

Post by sheagallagher12 on Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:54 pm

Planet fall
Ireland, 2019
In a post alien invasion, a battle occurs that changes the outcome of the future.
EXT – FIELD – DAWN
Fades from black...
Shot opens with Humvee driving as it cuts to black and fades out, as the vehicle is parked JASON BRODY exits and walks towards a bunker, there he meets General Howard of the human resistance.
INT – RESISTANC BUNKER - DAWN
HOWARD: Brody, what happened? What did you find down there?
INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/ROBOTIC ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            THE SOLDIERS rake the room with GUNFIRE-- MACHINERY collapses, SPARKS from EXPLODING CIRCUITRY.
TECH COM SOLDIER: its like you said it would be..
BRODY: Its worse
         
          
          INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/CORRIDOR - NIGHT
         
   Deeper into the complex, A HEAVY DOOR BLOWS off its hinges.
                                                             
          
                                 
          BRODY: Clear!
         
          SOLDIERS move from cover and through the blown door.
         
          
          INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
         
TUBES and FIBER-OPTIC CABLES run into DOZENS OF GLASS CYLINDERS filled with translucent PINK LIQUID. The SOLDIERS make their way in, alert-- but nothing's move’s.
 
TECH COM COMMANDER: alright, the primary objective is the time displacement equipment i want it found and loaded into the vehicles within 5 minutes you hear?
A huge ESCAPE SHIP rises straight up from an open HATCHWAY.
          Nearby TROOPS crouch and FIRE after it. THE SHIP PIVOTS in
          mid-air and ROARS OFF, SOLDIERS dodging the ENGINE BLAST.
         
          
          INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
         
          THE TEAM LEADER speaks into his headset. The OTHER SOLDIERS inspect the many CYLINDERS, react in horror and shock.
 
         
              TEAM LEADER   You will not believe what we found down here As he speaks, CAMERA FINDS a GREEN LED on the ceiling—which suddenly FLASHES RED and BLINKS RAPIDLY         
          
          EXT.   CORNFIELD - NIGHT
         
WIDE - AN IMMENSE SUBTERRANEAN BLAST causes a few  hundred
Yards square to SWELL and then COLLAPSE.
         
                                                             
          
         
  JETS of FLAME, SMOKE and DIRT RISE in the aftermath.
         
          
          INT - CHOPPER - NIGHT
         
          A PANICKED PILOT on the radio:
         
                
PILOT: Repeat, that was not us! A ship Escaped, they musta blown the place themselves! Jesus, a lot of our guys were still down there...
 
         
          
          EXT.   CORNFIELD - NIGHT
 SOLDIERS above ground help the WOUNDED to EVAC CHOPPERS.
  Brody discovers the mission objective he orders his men to take it and leave.
 
 
BRODY: get to the humvee now get this stuff out of here, we need it to get it to command asap.
TECH COM SOLDIER: yes sir.
 
 
BRODY: i will take my squad to the forward line, and hold them off for as long as i can.
 
Ext – field/ridge – night
          
  As brody and his men move towards the tree line they are ambushed.
TECH COM SOLDIER: its way too quiet, almost like they’re waiting for us...
 
As the soldier stops to check the com’s link a ship performs a strafing run wiping out half of their squad.
BRODY: SHIT! Get down now, covering fire!!
 
Cuts back to the bunker when brody is still having a briefing with the resistance high command.
 
INT – BUNKER – NIGHT
BRODY: it was an ambush, they knew we found the facility it was a time bomb they had set basically.
 
GENERAL: who did you lose?
 
BRODY: Jericho and Williams.
 
General: I’m sorry to hear, continue...
         
Ext – field – night
BRODY: hold the line!
 
One of the soldiers radios for BRODY.
 
TECH COM SOLDIER: Brody, its for you!
 
BRODY: This is brody.
‘this is blackjack six niner, brody the cargo has been loaded and on route back to base, advise you and your men get out of the no man land pronto. Blackjack six out’
 
As the soldier explains to brody to get out he then leaves down the radio and speaks to his fellow men.
BRODY: alright listen up were heading back to base get back to the convoy now, make sure to bring everything you have weil need it go, go!
EXT – FIELD – NIGHT
BRODY and his men get into the jeep.
BRODY: keep an eye out for any bogies, especially enemy ships.
TECH COM SOLDIER: Rodger.
The jeep then drives off into the field past the wreckage of downed vehicles on both factions and smoke in the distance.
INT – BUNKER - NIGHT
JASON and is then briefed on what was found in the underground facility.
JASON: so, what did we exactly find down in that hole?
GENERAL: you will be briefed on a need to know basis.
JASON: well i need to know, because my men and I almost died down there trying to find whatever it is while you sat here and talked through a bloody radio.
GENERAL #2: sir, if i may...BRODY and his tech com unit have an excellent record of locating chimera signals.
GENERAL: we found a solution Jason that can end the war once and for all.
BRODY: what is it?
GENERAL: we know that that the chimera use short waves signals to communicate for example their ships and machines, and like all machines it has an off switch.
BRODY: has the signal been tested yet?
GENERAL: no.
BRODY: give it to me, I will test it.
GENERAL #2: we need this to work BRODY. If it works we mount our final offensive in 5 days.
As the higher command officers proceed to leave the bunker BRODY stops one of them.
BRODY: why 5 days?
GENERAL: a message was intercepted that claimed everyone will be dead in this room by weeks end, and your number 2 on the list.
BRODY: who’s number 1?
GENERAL: a civilian, currently unknown.
BRODY: shouldn’t we maybe find out? Must be something important if he’s number one on a kil list sir.
GENERAL: our intelligence unit is already looking into it, seems to be proving harder than we thought. At ease soldier.
The commanding 0fficer then leaves the room, as BRODY leaves the bunker he looks up at an over passing helicopter and continues to walk back to his vehicle.
 
 
     

sheagallagher12

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Re: Script - shea gallagher

Post by Admin on Sun Nov 15, 2015 6:44 pm

sheagallagher12 wrote:Planet fall
Ireland, 2019
In a post alien invasion, a battle occurs that changes the outcome of the future.

^^ What is this? Is this text on screen? Very limited, short and not representative of what we actually see. What are we seeing on screen? Are we seeing the planet or Ireland from above? If so, you need to describe, describe, describe. How does Ireland look? Is it destroyed, rebuilt? I do not know the function of this text above. What is the setting? How does the place look? What are the main characteristics for this location? what is essential to know about how this place looks, who is there, etc? Are there still aliens? Is the battle between humans, alien races or both? Who is ally of whom? I should know what your script I about before finishing it, I should not discover as I go along. You are not writing this for readers or audiences, but for those who are going to produce it. Thus, it needs to be clear what this is about, who is(are) our main character(s), where it is taking place and how everything looks.

EXT – FIELD – DAWN
Fades from black...
Shot opens with Humvee driving as it cuts to black and fades out, as the vehicle is parked JASON BRODY exits and walks towards a bunker, there he meets General Howard of the human resistance.

^^ Do not add camera instructions. They should NOT be included. Add description of the character, who is Jason Brody? What is his appearance? Any relevant information that might be required for casting or for understanding the character? You need to put General Howard's name in capitals too and introduce him.
Limit the use of FADE and CUT to almost "absolutely necessary". Also, they should be formatted correctly.

INT – RESISTANC BUNKER - DAWN
Careful with the spelling. Who is here, what does it happen? How does this bunker look? You need more description.
You need to format the dialogue correctly.

HOWARD: Brody, what happened? What did you find down there?

INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/ROBOTIC ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            THE SOLDIERS rake the room with GUNFIRE-- MACHINERY collapses, SPARKS from EXPLODING CIRCUITRY.
TECH COM SOLDIER: its like you said it would be..
BRODY: Its worse
Check spelling and formatting. You need to tell me in the action who is in the scene, you tell me about the soldiers but not about Brody, so I do not know he is there until he speaks. Ideally, you should use first names for naming the characters in the dialogue part, although obviously you can use full names and surnames within the dialogue
          
          
          INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/CORRIDOR - NIGHT
         
   Deeper into the complex, A HEAVY DOOR BLOWS off its hinges.
                                                             
          
                                 
          BRODY: Clear!
         
          SOLDIERS move from cover and through the blown door.
Again, you need to add description and explain who is in the scene and what they are doing. Why is Brody saying "clear"? Is it because the explosion has finalised or because there is no one in the corridor? why is this door blowing off? Has it been an intended explosion? Did they put C4? Has it been a consequence of the state of the place? When you say "deeper in the complex", do you mean it is far away from the characters on screen? You need to describe the scenes, tell who is there, introduce new characters, tell me what they are doing, etc.
          
          
          INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
         
TUBES and FIBER-OPTIC CABLES run into DOZENS OF GLASS CYLINDERS filled with translucent PINK LIQUID. The SOLDIERS make their way in, alert-- but nothing's move’s.
 
I do not think you need to put all those items in capitals, they are not a required and essential prop, nor you are using it because you want to draw attention to it and might need a close shot. You do not need to keep putting "soldiers" in capitals, once they have been introduced. However, you do need to tell me that there is a TECH COM COMMANDER because he speaks in this scene.

TECH COM COMMANDER: alright, the primary objective is the time displacement equipment i want it found and loaded into the vehicles within 5 minutes you hear?

Check spelling. Write the numbers in full.

A huge ESCAPE SHIP rises straight up from an open HATCHWAY.
          Nearby TROOPS crouch and FIRE after it. THE SHIP PIVOTS in
          mid-air and ROARS OFF, SOLDIERS dodging the ENGINE BLAST.
         
You need to introduce all these things somewhere before. Make a description of what we might find in this place, how the bunker is and the fact that it has hatchways, etc. If I were to produce your script, I would have to make notes all the time on "oh, I need this then", "and this", "and this"...
          
          INT.   UNDERGROUND FACILITY/STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
         
          THE TEAM LEADER speaks into his headset. The OTHER SOLDIERS inspect the many CYLINDERS, react in horror and shock.
 
Are these soldiers new? You do not need to keep them in capitals all the time. Why are you capitalising "THE"? 
         
              TEAM LEADER   You will not believe what we found down here As he speaks, CAMERA FINDS a GREEN LED on the ceiling—which suddenly FLASHES RED and BLINKS RAPIDLY         
          
Format. Do not add camera instructions.
I cannot comment on more than a page, so I will have to stop here, but make sure you check the formatting.

It is a good start and I can see where you are going. However, you need to work on the descriptions and revise the formatting. I am not sure why you are capitalising many of the words in this script. Check conventions for when the capitals are needed.

          EXT.   CORNFIELD - NIGHT
         
WIDE - AN IMMENSE SUBTERRANEAN BLAST causes a few  hundred
Yards square to SWELL and then COLLAPSE.
         
                                                             
          
         
  JETS of FLAME, SMOKE and DIRT RISE in the aftermath.
         
          
          INT - CHOPPER - NIGHT
         
          A PANICKED PILOT on the radio:
         
                
PILOT: Repeat, that was not us! A ship Escaped, they musta blown the place themselves! Jesus, a lot of our guys were still down there...
 
         
          
          EXT.   CORNFIELD - NIGHT
 SOLDIERS above ground help the WOUNDED to EVAC CHOPPERS.
  Brody discovers the mission objective he orders his men to take it and leave.
 
 
BRODY: get to the humvee now get this stuff out of here, we need it to get it to command asap.
TECH COM SOLDIER: yes sir.
 
 
BRODY: i will take my squad to the forward line, and hold them off for as long as i can.
 
Ext – field/ridge – night
          
  As brody and his men move towards the tree line they are ambushed.
TECH COM SOLDIER: its way too quiet, almost like they’re waiting for us...
 
As the soldier stops to check the com’s link a ship performs a strafing run wiping out half of their squad.
BRODY: SHIT! Get down now, covering fire!!
 
Cuts back to the bunker when brody is still having a briefing with the resistance high command.
 
INT – BUNKER – NIGHT
BRODY: it was an ambush, they knew we found the facility it was a time bomb they had set basically.
 
GENERAL: who did you lose?
 
BRODY: Jericho and Williams.
 
General: I’m sorry to hear, continue...
         
Ext – field – night
BRODY: hold the line!
 
One of the soldiers radios for BRODY.
 
TECH COM SOLDIER: Brody, its for you!
 
BRODY: This is brody.
‘this is blackjack six niner, brody the cargo has been loaded and on route back to base, advise you and your men get out of the no man land pronto. Blackjack six out’
 
As the soldier explains to brody to get out he then leaves down the radio and speaks to his fellow men.
BRODY: alright listen up were heading back to base get back to the convoy now, make sure to bring everything you have weil need it go, go!
EXT – FIELD – NIGHT
BRODY and his men get into the jeep.
BRODY: keep an eye out for any bogies, especially enemy ships.
TECH COM SOLDIER: Rodger.
The jeep then drives off into the field past the wreckage of downed vehicles on both factions and smoke in the distance.
INT – BUNKER - NIGHT
JASON and is then briefed on what was found in the underground facility.
JASON: so, what did we exactly find down in that hole?
GENERAL: you will be briefed on a need to know basis.
JASON: well i need to know, because my men and I almost died down there trying to find whatever it is while you sat here and talked through a bloody radio.
GENERAL #2: sir, if i may...BRODY and his tech com unit have an excellent record of locating chimera signals.
GENERAL: we found a solution Jason that can end the war once and for all.
BRODY: what is it?
GENERAL: we know that that the chimera use short waves signals to communicate for example their ships and machines, and like all machines it has an off switch.
BRODY: has the signal been tested yet?
GENERAL: no.
BRODY: give it to me, I will test it.
GENERAL #2: we need this to work BRODY. If it works we mount our final offensive in 5 days.
As the higher command officers proceed to leave the bunker BRODY stops one of them.
BRODY: why 5 days?
GENERAL: a message was intercepted that claimed everyone will be dead in this room by weeks end, and your number 2 on the list.
BRODY: who’s number 1?
GENERAL: a civilian, currently unknown.
BRODY: shouldn’t we maybe find out? Must be something important if he’s number one on a kil list sir.
GENERAL: our intelligence unit is already looking into it, seems to be proving harder than we thought. At ease soldier.
The commanding 0fficer then leaves the room, as BRODY leaves the bunker he looks up at an over passing helicopter and continues to walk back to his vehicle.
 
 
     

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Re: Script - shea gallagher

Post by Kevin_Eire on Mon Nov 16, 2015 2:32 pm

EXT: Baker's field Street: Night 

The sound of the cold winters wind howls through out the streets of BAKER'S FIELD. The clashing sound of HIGH HEELS challenges the sound of the wind as it flourishes through out the streets. RACHAEL NOBLE walks through the empty streets of BAKER'S FIELD clenching the handle of her HAND BAG as she walks towards her warm Victorian designed home after a long days work.

EXT: Front doorstep: night
As she reaches the DOOR STEP of her warm loving home, she quickly reaches for the KEYS to her house with the touch of frost bite nibbling away at her finger tips as she reaches to place the KEY in the keyhole. The sound of the howling wind echoes behind her as she opens her front door and steps into the bright warm home.

INT: Hallway:NIGHT
Closing the front door she lets out a sigh of relief, knowing she is home safe out of the cold wintry weather. As the warm air from the house wraps around her body she suddenly hears the sound of glass smashing from the far room. RACHAEL quickly raises her head with a shivering feeling crawling down her spine, becoming extremely concerned she decides to investigate. As she slowly makes her way up the HALL WAY her heart begins to race with over thinking thoughts.

INT: LIVING ROOM: NIGHT
Reaching the LIVING ROOM door she slowly pushes the door open,the sound of the door creaks throughout the HALL WAY. As the door sways open she suddenly notices a smashed WINE GLASS on the wooden floor surrounded by a puddle of RED WINE. As she slowly walks towards the glass she looks around her surroundings to make sure that she is alone. As she raises her self back up from lifting the broken glass a tall MAN wearing a CLOWN MASK stands behind her,turning around she is automatically startled when she sees the CLOWN MASK staring back at her, as she begins to scream she is suddenly out matched by the sound of laughter. As the CLOWN MASK is removed RACHAEL becomes extremely anger and upset.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Jim!
RACHAEL hits JIM in fury at his actions as he stands laughing at her reaction.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Really Jim, What age are you!?

JIM:
You should of seen your face Rach! (Laughs)

INT: KITCHEN: NIGHT

RACHAEL storms off into the KITCHEN, slamming her HAND BAG onto the KITCHEN counter.

JIM:
Oh come on Rachael, it was a joke.

RACHAEL stands starring back at JIM as if she was looking at an immature child.
JIM:
Okay I'm sorry, I admit, I got a little carried away.

JIM stands with a cocky and confident look on his face.

JIM:
But I may have just the thing to cheer you up.

JIM reaches into his pocket and removes a SMALL NAVY COLOURED BOX topped with a CREAM RIBBON.
JIM:
Happy Birthday honey.

JIM hands RACHAEL the NAVY BOX as he kisses her on the cheek and walks towards the KITCHEN sink. RACHAEL'S anger towards JIM begins to decrease knowing that he had remembered her birthday. Slowly she opens the NAVY BOX to find a SILVER HEART NECKLACE. RACHAEL'S eyes begin to tear up as a smile of joy and happiness enters her body.
JIM stands at the KITCHEN SINK holding a glass of water wondering what the response to the present will be.

JIM:
So?, Do you like it?

RACHAEL slowly turns towards JIM trying to hold back the tears.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
I love it, Thank you.

RACHAEL walks towards JIM and hugs him. JIM holds RACHAEL in his arms with a smile upon his face with a hit of relief that she liked the gifted.

JIM:
And that's not all I got you. We have some plans for this evening.

RACHAEL pulls away from JIM, becoming curious about JIM'S so called plans.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Really, and what plans have you managed to conjure up to impress me today. (Sarcastic tone)

JIM begins to act confident and cocky about his plans, with a grinning smile upon his face.

JIM:
Well my lady, I...

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Really my lady?, what age are from the 1800's. (Laughs)

JIM chuckles at the remarks.

JIM:
I have booked a reservation for us at the Hilton restaurant. So I want you to go up stairs to get ready because we are leaving in a hour. 

JIM smiles at RACHAEL with a cocky look on his face and walks off into the LIVING ROOM, leaving RACHAEL standing in the middle of the KITCHEN, speechless at what JIM has prepared for her.

INT: LIVING ROOM: NIGHT (ONE HOUR LATER.)

JIM paces up and down in the LIVING ROOM waiting on RACHAEL coming down stairs.

JIM:
Ugh, how long does it take for one woman to get ready?

JIM checks his watch, trying to keep track of time to make sure they are not late for their dinner reservation.

JIM:
Rach!, are you ready yet!?

RACHAEL NOBLE:
I'm coming now, calm down we have plenty of time.

INT: HALLWAY:NIGHT

JIM walks out into the HALLWAY to meet RACHAEL.

JIM:
Ugh, that's what you said the last time when we went to....

Suddenly JIM turns to look at the top of the stairs and stands speechless at the sight of his beloved girlfriend. Standing at the top of the stairs wearing a ROSE RED coloured outfit with her golden honey coloured hair dripping from her shoulders and the SILVER HEART NECKLACE placed gently around her neck .

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Well, how do I look? (Smiles)

JIM pauses in between each word, still mesmerized by how beautiful his girlfriend looks.

JIM:
You, look... WOW!

RACHAEL chuckles and slowly makes her way down the stairs to join her beloved boyfriend. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, JIM places out his arm in a gentle manly way to accompany RACHAEL. As she takes the arm of her beloved boyfriend she suddenly feels a sense of happiness and love entering her body like nothing else in the world mattered at that moment and time.

JIM:
Shall we. (Smiles)

JIM and RACHAEL leave their Victorian house to attend their reservation.

EXT: STREET WAY: NIGHT

JIM and RACHAEL walk down the frosty pathway surrounded by the cold winter's air. RACHAEL clenching to JIM'S arm trying to bare the coldness entering their bodies.

JIM:
Jesus, it's freezing out here,were not walking from here into town love, no way!

JIM decides to wave down a TAXI to reach their destination and to escape the cold frosty winter's air. Waiting for a TAXI to wave down he looks down at the ground to see an icy road which looks like a sheet of glass spread across the dark charcoal ground. The sheet of ice spread across the ground begins to light up with the colour of car lights, looking up JIM spots a TAXI and begins to wave it down.

JIM:
Oi!, Mate!

The TAXI DRIVER slows down at the demand of JIM.

JIM:
Sigh, Cheers mate.

INT: taxi: night
The TAXI DRIVER looks up at the small rear view mirror, his deep blue coloured eyes reflecting of the steamed up mirror, as he watches the couple as they try to regain as much heat as possible.

TAXI DRIVER:
Where to?

JIM:
The Hilton restaurant mate.

The TAXI DRIVER places his indicators on, each finger slowly griping to the hand brake in a creepy slick movement. Calm and collective the TAXI DRIVER removes the hand brake and drives off with a suspicious smile upon his face.

EXt: Street: night

The cold wintry air thickens across the streets, a shimmer of light appears from the distance. The TAXI slowly reducing it's speed until it comes to a dead stop, it's brakes screeching through out the streets.

INT: TAXI: NIGHT

As the TAXI comes to a full stop JIM and RACHAEL look at each other in confusion.

JIM:
Ammm, mate this isn't the Hilton restaurant. 

The TAXI DRIVER sits in the driving seat calm and sound, slowly he moves his head left and right, the sounds of his neck cracking create an awkward nerving tension in the TAXI.

JIM:
Hey, mate you alright?

The TAXI DRIVER slowly looks up at his rear view mirror, looking at the startled couple in the back seat. His deep blue eyes gazing at RACHAEL.

TAXI DRIVER:
Get out.

JIM and RACHAEL sit in the back seat confused.

JIM:
Excuse me?

Suddenly with a deep mighty voice the TAXI DRIVER repeats his previous sentence quickly removing a GUN from his inside JACKET.

TAXI DRIVER:
I said GET OUT!

JIM and RACHAEL'S hearts begin to beat uncontrollably, there minds immediately entering shock at what was unfolding in front of them. Slowly they exit the TAXI into the cold winter's air once more. Filled with fear their bodies become num.

EXT: STREET: NIGHT
JIM:
Please, don't hurt us.

The TAXI DRIVER exits the driving seat slowly making his way around the car, his GUN ever while pointing at the young couple. JIM and RACHAEL stand still in the middle of the street raising their hands, the cold air combing with their breathing as they inhale and exhale the cold thick air.

TAXI DRIVER:
You over by the car.
Aiming the GUN at JIM he escorts him towards the car. Slowly JIM makes his way towards the car leaning his chest up against the passenger door.

TAXI DRIVER:
Empty your pockets and put what ever money you have on top of the car!

JIM slowly reaches into his pockets removing what ever money he can find hoping that the TAXI DRIVER doesn't do anything drastic. Placing his money on the car roof the TAXI DRIVER then turns to face RACHAEL.

TAXI DRIVER:
Hello beautiful.

RACHAEL slowly raising her head looks into the eyes of the TAXI DRIVER his grinning sinister smile staring back at her. Quickly lowering her head she tries to avoid eye contact as she stands in the freezing cold shaking like a wore leaf.

JIM:
Leave her alone she has nothing!

Refusing to lose eye contact with RACHAEL, the TAXI DRIVER slowly walks towards RACHAEL gripping his GUN as the cold winter's air eats away at his blood cut knuckles.

TAXI DRIVER:
Ooh, but I beg to differ, you see I see a very pretty and valuable piece of jewelry wrapped around this young ladies neck.

The TAXI driver comes face to face with RACHAEL, her body shaking in terror as she moves her head away from the TAXI DRIVER.

TAXI DRIVER:
Would you be so kind as in handing over that pretty necklace beautiful.
Unwilling to reply out of fear RACHAEL stands frozen, afraid to move or breath as the TAXI DRIVER snaps the SILVER HEART NECKLACE from her neck.

As the SILVER HEART NECKLACE is removed from the neck of RACHAEL a rage of anger sparks inside of JIM as he runs and tackles the TAXI DRIVER to the ground. Swinging punch after punch he tries to retrieve the necklace from the TAXI DRIVER.

JIM:
You, Son, Of, A, Bitch!

RACHAEL stands over looking the two bodies on the ground as they tackle one another like two dogs fighting in a arena. As she tries to help her boyfriend she is suddenly punched in the face by the TAXI DRIVER, falling to the ice cold ground she looks across to see a blur in front of her.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Jim!

Suddenly a terrifying sound awakes from the streets, a sound which creates an ice cold dead silence. The sound of a GUN SHOT echoes throughout the streets. As RACHAEL'S vision slowly regains everything in front of her eyes begins to slow down, as if her life hand been put on pause at that moment. 

RACHAEL Noble:
Jim (Whisper)

Looking across she sees a body lying on the cold icy charcoal ground. As she raises her self up she slowly walks towards the body. Reaching the body a sudden burst of shock and heart felt pain flourish through her body as she looks upon the ground to see her dead boyfriend. Her eyes begin to produce tears of sadness and despair as she falls to her knees over looking her boyfriend. The sound of screeching tires scream throughout the street as the TAXI DRIVER makes off leaving RACHAEL and JIM lying on the cold icy winter's floor.
As the car makes off the sound of silence returns to the streets,the sound of the howling wind flourishes throughout as RACHAEL lies over looking the body. Holding the hand of her beloved boyfriend she notices an object shimmering in his hand. Slowly opening JIM'S hand her heart breaks as the SILVER HEART NECKLACE lay peacefully in his hand.  
FADE OUT

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Re: Script - shea gallagher

Post by Achidlow95 on Tue Nov 17, 2015 9:05 pm

Eddie script 

int. pub - evening
EDDIE is behind the bar serving a customer. He is wearing a plain white t-shirt with turned up sleeves and jeans. He pours a pint of bitter for the old man on the other side of the bar and takes the money. The old man takes a sip of his pint.
Mr Harvey's
Thanks Simon
Eddie V.O
aah Mr Harveys, I've worked here nearly two years now and he still doesn't get my name right. I mean why should he?
I'm just the young lad behind the bar, I take the money, I pour his pint and every now and then he'll lecture me on how I've got my whole life ahead of me.It's like he's trying to make up for all the times he didn't lecture his own kids.
MR HARVEY'S
Don't let it pass you by boy, live while your still young.
Mr Harveys clicks his fingers
MR HARVEY'S
Its over in a flash, just like that.
Eddie sighs and looks at the time on the clock above the till. He then checks his own watch. He then quickly cleans up the bar and his boss MAGGIE walks over with some empty glasses.
MAGGIE
SOMEONES EAGER TO CLOCK OFF
Eddie looks around the pub. The pub is practically empty besides a small group of old men by the bar.
EDDIE
Not exactly heaving in here tonight is it.
Maggie stares at Eddie for a while and then sighs.
MAGGIE
I'll see you tomorrow then
Eddie swiftly leaves the bar into the cloakroom
INT. CLOAKROOM
Eddie puts his coat on and then rummages in his pockets pulling out some lose change. He quickly counts it and puts it back in his coat. He clocks out and walks back through to the bar and out of the pub.
EXT. – STREET - Evening
Eddie runs from work to the village shops to pick up him and his DADS tea from the chippy. Its raining heavily.
INT. – “THE GOLDEN DINNER”
Eddie enters the chippy and stands by the counter. He rings the bell on the counter as no one is there. ANI comes out through some wooden swinging wooden doors.
Ani
Orders almost ready 
EDDIE
ok thanks Ani, I'll be outside
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CHIPPY
Eddie leans against the shop lighting a cigarette. He is fumbling with the change in his pocket. A girl walks past him into the chippy. They briefly make eye contact.
EXT. OUTSIDE EDDIES HOUSe - tracking
Eddie walks through the gate in his front garden to his front door. Pulls out his keys and walks into his house. His dog begins to bark as he walks through the door. Eddie then walks into the kitchen, putting his dinner on the counter. Eddies dog MILO is jumping up trying to sniff the bag of food.
EDDIE
Get Down Milo!
Eddies dad PETER walks in with an empty mug in his hand
PETER
oy Milo!
Milo jumps down straight away and gets in his bed
PETER
Pop the kettle on then
Eddie fills up the kettle and puts it on, getting another mug out of the cupboard. Peter hands Eddie his mug and then begins to layout the food. Eddie is making them both a cup of tea.Peter begins to unpack their dinner onto plates.
PETER
Salt no vinegar ?
EDDIE
Yup
PETER
Mushy peas not garden?
EDDIE
Yup
PETER
How was work then?
Eddie hands Peter his cup of tea and then opens the fridge.
EDDIE
Same old, same as ever, same as every other day
Eddie smiles sarcastically at Peter.
EDDIE
How was your day then dear?
Peter replys in a funny camo voice
PETER
Oh it was fab dear! I must tell you all about it over some tea and cakes sometime, however, I am absolutely famished and strictly come dancing won’t watch itself uno!
Eddie laughs to himself and they both grab their dinner plates and move into the living room
INT. LIVING ROOM
Peter and Eddie both sit down in two comfy recliner seats with their dinner trays. Peter grabs the remote and puts strictly come dancing on.
EDDIE
Where not really watching this are we?
PETER
   
If you want to watch your cool young people shows then you can buy the next TV son. And may I remind you of who broke the last one?
Eddie sighs, squirting tomato ketchup onto his plate
peter
Anyways there’s a guy from that boy band on it tonight, The Wanted they're called. That's something you young people listen to isn’t it?
eddie
Yeah dad I’m a fifteen year old girl, boy bands are right up my street
Peter laughs to himself.
peter
Wheres micky tonight then? Doesn't he usually work fridays as well?
EDDIE
Hmmm, something good on at Leeds this weekend I guess, got the weekend off.
PETER
what like a gig or something?
EDDIE
I guess yeah
Peter stares at Eddie who is looking down at his dinner.
Peter
You Jealous?
EDDIE
Oh shut up dad, friends make other friends init, that’s how it works.
PETER
Where are your other friends then? You don’t even go out anymore unless it’s with him.
Eddie gives his dad a stare.
PETER
Sorry son, I am right though. I mean, you seeing any girls at the momment?
EDDIE
What does that mean?
Peter
well uno, any special lady friends?
Eddie puts down his empty plate and laughs.
EDDIE
Even if I wanted a bird dad, there's no one round here I would think twice about going out with.
PETER
Since when do you know everyone around here? there's that nice girl I buy my fish off at the market. I reckon she's single.
EDDIE
yeah dad, shes single cause she always reeks of fish. Listen I know you mean well but I'm just not looking for that kind of thing. And no I'm not gay before you ask. I'm just not........ interested.
PETER
You don't seem to be interested in anything these days, i mean what happened with that band you were in? That was going pretty well wasn't it?
EDDIE
They all went to uni didn't they

Peter sighs and gathers his and Eddie's plates and takes them into the kitchen.

Achidlow95

Student Number : 652613
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Re: Script - shea gallagher

Post by Admin on Wed Nov 18, 2015 4:06 pm

Kevin_Eire wrote:EXT: Baker's field Street: Night 

The sound of the cold winters wind howls through out the streets of BAKER'S FIELD. The clashing sound of HIGH HEELS challenges the sound of the wind as it flourishes through out the streets. RACHAEL NOBLE walks through the empty streets of BAKER'S FIELD clenching the handle of her HAND BAG as she walks towards her warm Victorian designed home after a long days work.

EXT: Front doorstep: night
As she reaches the DOOR STEP of her warm loving home, she quickly reaches for the KEYS to her house with the touch of frost bite nibbling away at her finger tips as she reaches to place the KEY in the keyhole. The sound of the howling wind echoes behind her as she opens her front door and steps into the bright warm home.

INT: Hallway:NIGHT
Closing the front door she lets out a sigh of relief, knowing she is home safe out of the cold wintry weather. As the warm air from the house wraps around her body she suddenly hears the sound of glass smashing from the far room. RACHAEL quickly raises her head with a shivering feeling crawling down her spine, becoming extremely concerned she decides to investigate. As she slowly makes her way up the HALL WAY her heart begins to race with over thinking thoughts.

INT: LIVING ROOM: NIGHT
Reaching the LIVING ROOM door she slowly pushes the door open,the sound of the door creaks throughout the HALL WAY. As the door sways open she suddenly notices a smashed WINE GLASS on the wooden floor surrounded by a puddle of RED WINE. As she slowly walks towards the glass she looks around her surroundings to make sure that she is alone. As she raises her self back up from lifting the broken glass a tall MAN wearing a CLOWN MASK stands behind her,turning around she is automatically startled when she sees the CLOWN MASK staring back at her, as she begins to scream she is suddenly out matched by the sound of laughter. As the CLOWN MASK is removed RACHAEL becomes extremely anger and upset.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Jim!
RACHAEL hits JIM in fury at his actions as he stands laughing at her reaction.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
Really Jim, What age are you!?

JIM:
You should of seen your face Rach! (Laughs)

INT: KITCHEN: NIGHT

RACHAEL storms off into the KITCHEN, slamming her HAND BAG onto the KITCHEN counter.

JIM:
Oh come on Rachael, it was a joke.

RACHAEL stands starring back at JIM as if she was looking at an immature child.
JIM:
Okay I'm sorry, I admit, I got a little carried away.

JIM stands with a cocky and confident look on his face.

JIM:
But I may have just the thing to cheer you up.

JIM reaches into his pocket and removes a SMALL NAVY COLOURED BOX topped with a CREAM RIBBON.
JIM:
Happy Birthday honey.

JIM hands RACHAEL the NAVY BOX as he kisses her on the cheek and walks towards the KITCHEN sink. RACHAEL'S anger towards JIM begins to decrease knowing that he had remembered her birthday. Slowly she opens the NAVY BOX to find a SILVER HEART NECKLACE. RACHAEL'S eyes begin to tear up as a smile of joy and happiness enters her body.
JIM stands at the KITCHEN SINK holding a glass of water wondering what the response to the present will be.

JIM:
So?, Do you like it?

RACHAEL slowly turns towards JIM trying to hold back the tears.

RACHAEL NOBLE:
I love it, Thank you.

RACHAEL walks towards JIM and hugs him. JIM holds RACHAEL in his arms with a smile upon his face with a hit of relief that she liked the gifted.

JIM:
And that's not all I got you. We have some plans for this evening.

RACHAEL pulls away from JIM, becoming curious about JIM'S so called plans.


Hi Kevin_Eire,

I can only comment on one page, so I have chosen the first one.

The script formatting is 50% of the mark, please do read the guide I gave and/or use CELTx for the assignment. I will be strict with formatting, since it is a half the assessment. The script have many fundamental mistakes that could have been avoided by following the handout. As it is, the plot is good but the script format is not, the coherence of the text with a script has issues because it is prosaic. You are not going to be marked on the plot itself, so I strongly recommend you to correct all those issues.

Please have a look at the guidelines for SOUND in the descriptions of the action.
Please have a look at when you need to put the name of the character in capitals and when you don't.
Please have a look at how to format the dialogue.
Please have a look at how to introduce the dialogue (your character's name)
Please have a look at how to introduce location. Please make sure you introduce it in the right format.
Please introduce your characters properly. Also, the suspense and mystery is for the audience, not the script.
Please do not overuse the capitals for bring attention to props unless it is really needed.
Please check how to use parentheticals and where to put them
There are a couple of typos or grammar/spelling mistakes

Your script is good in general, but too prosaic, it reads more like a novel than a script. You need to describe what you see on screen, "cold winters", "challenge the sound", "flourishes through", "warm loving home", "with the frost of bite nibbling away" ... are all prosaic descriptions. So... ok, you say "cold winters", how are you going to portray that? How am I seeing it? you could describe people trying to close their already closed coats or holding onto their scarfs, you could say that the windows are full of droplets of condensation, you could say that people are covering their noses and mouths with scarfs... " How are you going to show on screen that the house is warm loving? Don't tell me it is warm loving, show me it is warm loving. Describe it, talk about photographs on the walls, a fireplace on, the smell of fresh coffee, an old sofa discoloured from being used so many years... How are you going to show me that she feels frostbite in her fingers? Tell me about her rubbing her hands against the inside of the coat, or rushing to the heater on the wall and putting her fingers over it, blowing warm breath into them... "warm air from the house wraps around her body"... how do I see this on screen? "knowing she is safe", how do I see this? "shivering feeling crawling down her spine", and this? "becoming extremely concerned", and this? Avoid all descriptions of thoughts/feelings, you need to find a way to show this in any other way. 
 
The descriptions are not for a reader, but for producers and directors to: a) figure out what props they need and where they can shoot this, b) get to know the character better and decide if they like him/her or not, if they can identify with it, if s/he is an interesting character or not, c) offer visual descriptions of what actions are taking place and the location where this happens. If it cannot be seen on screen, that is prose, not script. A script is not a reduced novel with lots of dialogue. You need to close your eyes, think of what you see in that scene, what is relevant to your character building, what is relevant to the scene itself, how those items and actions are going to make the change in the scene. Forget everything else. If it is not contributing to that "change" or "conflict", then it can be removed.
Who are they? What do they do? What do they like? What is their relationship? I need to know this before they speak.

Please, do have a look at the Module Guide or the Assignment submission form in BlackBoard. You have there what you are going to be marked on. You are not going to be marked on creativity or plot itself, but on plot coherence and structure, language use and formatting.
FORMATTING and SCRIPT CONVENTIONS (50%). Your script should include all script conventions seen in the class. Please do not include camera instructions.
LANGUAGE USE (25%). Your script should be clearly written, with correct grammar, spelling and punctuation.
NARRATIVE COHERENCE (25%). Your story must make sense and be effective. Your story must present a clear structure, plot and storyline.


Best,
Marta

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Re: Script - shea gallagher

Post by Admin on Wed Nov 18, 2015 4:29 pm

Achidlow95 wrote:Eddie script 

int. pub - evening
EDDIE is behind the bar serving a customer. He is wearing a plain white t-shirt with turned up sleeves and jeans. He pours a pint of bitter for the old man on the other side of the bar and takes the money. The old man takes a sip of his pint.
Mr Harvey's
Thanks Simon
Eddie V.O
aah Mr Harveys, I've worked here nearly two years now and he still doesn't get my name right. I mean why should he?
I'm just the young lad behind the bar, I take the money, I pour his pint and every now and then he'll lecture me on how I've got my whole life ahead of me.It's like he's trying to make up for all the times he didn't lecture his own kids.
MR HARVEY'S
Don't let it pass you by boy, live while your still young.
Mr Harveys clicks his fingers
MR HARVEY'S
Its over in a flash, just like that.
Eddie sighs and looks at the time on the clock above the till. He then checks his own watch. He then quickly cleans up the bar and his boss MAGGIE walks over with some empty glasses.
MAGGIE
SOMEONES EAGER TO CLOCK OFF
Eddie looks around the pub. The pub is practically empty besides a small group of old men by the bar.
EDDIE
Not exactly heaving in here tonight is it.
Maggie stares at Eddie for a while and then sighs.
MAGGIE
I'll see you tomorrow then
Eddie swiftly leaves the bar into the cloakroom
INT. CLOAKROOM
Eddie puts his coat on and then rummages in his pockets pulling out some lose change. He quickly counts it and puts it back in his coat. He clocks out and walks back through to the bar and out of the pub.
EXT. – STREET - Evening
Eddie runs from work to the village shops to pick up him and his DADS tea from the chippy. Its raining heavily.
INT. – “THE GOLDEN DINNER”
Eddie enters the chippy and stands by the counter. He rings the bell on the counter as no one is there. ANI comes out through some wooden swinging wooden doors.
Ani
Orders almost ready 
EDDIE
ok thanks Ani, I'll be outside
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CHIPPY
Eddie leans against the shop lighting a cigarette. He is fumbling with the change in his pocket. A girl walks past him into the chippy. They briefly make eye contact.
EXT. OUTSIDE EDDIES HOUSe - tracking
Eddie walks through the gate in his front garden to his front door. Pulls out his keys and walks into his house. His dog begins to bark as he walks through the door. Eddie then walks into the kitchen, putting his dinner on the counter. Eddies dog MILO is jumping up trying to sniff the bag of food.
EDDIE
Get Down Milo!
Eddies dad PETER walks in with an empty mug in his hand
PETER
oy Milo!
Milo jumps down straight away and gets in his bed
PETER
Pop the kettle on then
Eddie fills up the kettle and puts it on, getting another mug out of the cupboard. Peter hands Eddie his mug and then begins to layout the food. Eddie is making them both a cup of tea.Peter begins to unpack their dinner onto plates.
PETER
Salt no vinegar ?
EDDIE
Yup
PETER
Mushy peas not garden?
EDDIE
Yup
PETER
How was work then?
Eddie hands Peter his cup of tea and then opens the fridge.
EDDIE
Same old, same as ever, same as every other day
Eddie smiles sarcastically at Peter.
EDDIE
How was your day then dear?
Peter replys in a funny camo voice
PETER
Oh it was fab dear! I must tell you all about it over some tea and cakes sometime, however, I am absolutely famished and strictly come dancing won’t watch itself uno!
Eddie laughs to himself and they both grab their dinner plates and move into the living room
INT. LIVING ROOM
Peter and Eddie both sit down in two comfy recliner seats with their dinner trays. Peter grabs the remote and puts strictly come dancing on.
EDDIE
Where not really watching this are we?
PETER
   
If you want to watch your cool young people shows then you can buy the next TV son. And may I remind you of who broke the last one?
Eddie sighs, squirting tomato ketchup onto his plate
peter
Anyways there’s a guy from that boy band on it tonight, The Wanted they're called. That's something you young people listen to isn’t it?
eddie
Yeah dad I’m a fifteen year old girl, boy bands are right up my street
Peter laughs to himself.
peter
Wheres micky tonight then? Doesn't he usually work fridays as well?
EDDIE
Hmmm, something good on at Leeds this weekend I guess, got the weekend off.
PETER
what like a gig or something?
EDDIE
I guess yeah
Peter stares at Eddie who is looking down at his dinner.
Peter
You Jealous?
EDDIE
Oh shut up dad, friends make other friends init, that’s how it works.
PETER
Where are your other friends then? You don’t even go out anymore unless it’s with him.
Eddie gives his dad a stare.
PETER
Sorry son, I am right though. I mean, you seeing any girls at the momment?
EDDIE
What does that mean?
Peter
well uno, any special lady friends?
Eddie puts down his empty plate and laughs.
EDDIE
Even if I wanted a bird dad, there's no one round here I would think twice about going out with.
PETER
Since when do you know everyone around here? there's that nice girl I buy my fish off at the market. I reckon she's single.
EDDIE
yeah dad, shes single cause she always reeks of fish. Listen I know you mean well but I'm just not looking for that kind of thing. And no I'm not gay before you ask. I'm just not........ interested.
PETER
You don't seem to be interested in anything these days, i mean what happened with that band you were in? That was going pretty well wasn't it?
EDDIE
They all went to uni didn't they

Peter sighs and gathers his and Eddie's plates and takes them into the kitchen.

Hi Achidlow95,

There are some issues with punctuation, specially missing commas.
Make sure the formatting is right, you put time in some places but not in others, some of the headings are in capitals whilst other headings are not.
Is this the first page? You need to introduce all the characters with speaking part, not just visually. Who are they? Who is the main lead? What do they do? ...
Check the apostrophes and its use
Don't tell me intentions, feelings, thoughts... just show me actions: "Eddie runs from work to the village shops to pick up him and his DADS tea ", that is what he intends to do, as we see in the next scene, but here, in this scene, he is just running to a fish and chip shop. Your characters can call it chippy, but I would recommend you to use standard language in the action part. That he is buying for the both of them is not related to the action of running in the street, but to the following scene, where he is actually collecting the food or even before. There is no visual explanation on how Ani knew the order, is this something he does every night? How did she know when to get it ready, since he left early? Did he call? You need to answer that on screen somehow, as there is no readers but audience and only what appears on screen will be known, nothing that you add in the description that is not visual will get through. That is why it is important to make sure everything you describe can be put on screen. Eddie could have told Maggie that he had ordered food early, thinking he would be finished by then. Or he could send a text to Ani, if they have that kind of relationship, letting her know he is on the way. Or he could call before leaving the bar. Or you could just make him leave at the normal time and have in the dialogue a clue saying this is what happens every night...
For coherence purposes, where is he smoking? You said it was raining heavily, yet he is outside leaning  against the shop.

Describe the places beforehand. Describe every character that speaks.
Check how to indicate that the character continues to talk after an action
Check how to write sound instructions
Check the use of capitals
Some spelling mistakes (your - you're, apostrophes)
Good description of actions in some points.
As I said above, you will not be marked on plot creativity or how good a plot is, so make sure your formatting is right, the language is correct and the script maintains coherence both as a script (no prose) and in relation to the structure, dialogues, characters, etc.
Good luck!

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Re: Script - shea gallagher

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